So. Relationships? We don’t get along. I’ve got a pretty bad track record. And I’ve always been fine with being single, but the latest breakup kind of messed with me. I really liked this guy. A lot. I found myself constantly amazed that someone could be so seemingly perfect for me. And he often expressed to me that he felt the same way. It came as a huge shock when it ended abruptly. Somehow his feelings for me shut off overnight. Seriously, overnight. I’m still not sure what happened.
Anyway, I’m by myself again. Which is fine. I’ve never wanted to be that person who needed to be with someone. To be honest, I kind of prefer being alone. I guess I’m kind of selfish. I like doing what I want to do, when and how I want to do it. Which I don’t think is necessarily a bad thing. And my wonderful friend Molly reassured me today that it’s okay for me to be selfish and picky. Besides, the idea of dating kind of repulses me. I hate the anxious feeling of trying to put my best face forward, the awkward and total anxiety-inducing first kiss, the thought of putting so much emotional effort into someone who will probably be gone in a few months anyway. It’s just so…tiring. I can think of a million things I’d rather do than go on dates. Does that sound bad? I think it sounds bad.
I sat down recently and tried to figure out what it is I actually want in a person. That seems like a sensible thing to do, right? And the idea was kind of interesting to me because looking back at the men I’ve dated, they are all really different. They look different, act different, come from all sorts of varied backgrounds, families, parts of the world, have varying degrees of education and income. I’ve realized pretty clearly what I do not want, and some of what I do want and come to expect. And this is what I came up with:
1 I want us to be best friends.
2 It’s all right if you don’t eat meat, but you have to be okay with my love of bacon.
3 Same as above, but replace “eat meat” with “watch” and “bacon” with “Golden Girls.”
4 You must love riding your bicycle. If you don’t have a bicycle, maybe you should get one and learn to love it.
5 You must never call me things like “babycakes,” “honeybunny” or “cutie pie” unless it is in jest. Seriously, I hate pet names. HATE THEM.
6 I am going to want to have Mario Kart battles.
7 You must like my friends. They are easy to like, so being a jerkface to them is inexcusable.
8 You have to like ice cream. And cupcakes. I once dated a guy who did not like ice cream or cake and he turned out to be a scoundrel. I’m going to assume from now on that all ice cream and cake-haters are also scoundrels.
9 You cannot be embarrassed if I break into dance. Yes, my dance moves are embarrassing. You are supposed to love that about me. Or at least love me in spite of it.
10 You must read books. As John Waters said, “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”
11 You must be supportive and encouraging of my creative endeavors, because I plan on doing the same for you.
12 You must enjoy, or turn a deaf ear to, my wretched banjo playing.
13 Same as above, but replace “banjo” with “spoons.”
14 I have a mad crush on Elvis Costello. And Ira Glass. Accept this.
15 You must love (not tolerate–love) dogs and cats. Yes, both.
16 I try my hardest to be aware of the words I use during arguments. Even though it may happen on accident, I never say things with the sole purpose of being hurtful. I expect the same in return.
17 When I start singing loudly in the car, you should join in.
18 I think it’s a shame when people take themselves very seriously. Please don’t do that.
19 I like being told stories. I will ask you to tell me stories. Please oblige. You should maybe have some queued up in your head just in case.
20 You must be good to your mother. I have noticed a strong correlation between how a man treats his mother and how he treats his girlfriend.
21 I have a strange sense of humor and am offended by almost nothing. This sometimes causes problems.
22 I like beards.
23 I do not tolerate anyone who thinks they are better than anyone else. Be kind to your servers, bartenders, cashiers, bus drivers and homeless.
24 I make a big deal out of birthdays. I also like to make gifts. Some guys hate this. You will not hate this.
25 You need to know that sloths are the best animals ever.
26 You will need to want to get married someday. Because if we don’t get married, we can’t have our reception in the dinosaur room at the Natural History Museum. And I need to dance and eat cake near dinosaurs.
27 You need to understand that I can spend hours discussing my favorite Achewood strips and South Park episodes.
28 If you are mean, disrespectful, rude or condescending I will probably tell you to fuck off.
29 I am strongly pro-choice, pro-women’s rights, pro-gay rights and anti-hate.
30 I want us to be creative together.
I know I’m probably asking for a lot. But until I can find this person, I’m totally okay with being alone. I’ve got awesome friends, a bunch of cats, and cake. That is really all a person needs.