So. I haven’t updated this for a while. I haven’t forgotten it, but things have been changing all at once and I am dealing with it privately, and not always in a great way. And I told myself this would be more about creating things and experiencing good and not about my personal life. But life IS personal, so I guess I can get away with writing about it a little bit.
While I was in college I spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting by the creek, reading books and drawing and thinking too much about everything. And even though my insides were often in turmoil (oh, the drama of being a young lady!) I was told by someone that when I create I become “curiously tranquil” and seemed happy almost the instant I started working on something.
I have not been creating as often as I’d like. I have so many ideas but no time. Or motivation. In the last couple of months I had a relationship end. It was so hard to experience. This was someone I saw myself marrying and spending my old days alongside. It was someone who made me cry a lot but who made me smile a lot more. Someone who shared my political ideals (liberal) and religious ideals (none). Someone who was himself creative and funny and interesting and ridiculously intelligent. We planned adventures together and spent many evenings in silence, reading and enjoying the others’ presence. And me, a girl who for years insisted that she would never be monogamous, never be tied down to one person, would never let a man influence her decisions, fell head-over-heels in love with someone who didn’t love her back very much. So it was hard to see it end, knowing that there was not a thing I could do to save it. And for a while there was a huge empty space in my life that I didn’t want to fill because I was afraid I would forget him.
Things are a little different now. I’ve had a chance to be alone and sleep alone and make every decision for myself. It’s quite nice sometimes. Sometimes it’s sad because I have to laugh at funny animal videos by myself and baking for one person is sort of dangerous, calorie-wise, but for the most part it’s okay. I’ve spent a lot of time with new and old friends, sprawled out in bed while using up all four pillows simultaneously, gone for solo bike rides in the early hours of morning and beautiful warm evenings, eaten entirely too much bacon and still somehow lost 10 pounds. And now I’m ready to go back to creating.
I used to feel that creating something was only important if you had someone to share it with. And I’ll admit that it is hard not having a cheering squad around when I have a fantastic new idea or a great new monster completed. But it’s also nice to make things just to make them. Creating is something I have to do. It’s not an option. It needs to fit into my schedule. And it doesn’t matter if it is sewing, painting, drawing, baking, sculpting, taking photographs or giving my dog a new hairstyle…it needs to be done for me to be happy.
I want to be that girl from years ago who would sit by the creek and create for the sake of beauty. Not to impress anyone and not to make a profit–just creating something just because. I remember once in Brevard collecting thousands of cherry blossoms in a basket and then carrying them up to the top of a windy hill and watching them fly. There was no one around to witness it but me but it was one of the most fantastic and gorgeous things I have ever seen. I think it will do me good to get out by myself and fly kites and hula hoop and collect wildflowers and take naps in the grass. I don’t need to be with anyone else to love these things. I didn’t before. And if someone comes along and loves the idea of taking a nap in the grass alongside me, great. But until then, I’m okay with doing it on my own.